A Life without Religion

By Michael Patrick O’Brien–

“Imagine there’s no heaven. It’s easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us, only sky.” – John Lennon

Even a casual reader can discern from my blog that I belong to a certain church and try to stay active within it. 

I live in the middle of a diverse world, however, and know/like many decent and kind people who are not active in any church or organized religion. I’m curious about that life too. 

I’ve discussed it with several of them, which made me even more curious. So I developed a survey and asked, cajoled, and even begged a couple dozen people to answer it.

Who responded? Both men and women of various ages and religious backgrounds. The unscientific but interesting survey results are summarized below, without further commentary from me.

Here are the ten questions I asked:

1. Did you ever belong to an organized religion or church?

2. If you belonged to an organized religion/church, why did you leave or become inactive? 

3. If you have a code of principles for living your life, what is the source of that code? 

4. If you do have a code of principles for living your life, how do you pass it on to others (e.g., children, family members, friends, etc.)?

5. If you have replaced a regular Sunday or Sabbath church service with something else, what is the replacement?

6. If you consider yourself spiritual, even though you do not belong to an organized religion, why/how are you spiritual? 

7. What do you miss most about active involvement with a church? 

8. What do you miss least about active involvement with a church?

9. What might bring you back to active involvement with a church?

10. What are the best and worst contributions that organized religions and churches have made to society?

Most, but not all, of the survey respondents were once active in a church, many as children or teens. Some still belong to an organized religion, but are not active. Sometimes the transition eventually returns to a religion.

One person said, “I have always been on my own journey towards faith and knew from an earlier age that Christianity was NOT something I could follow. As a young adult, I took steps to find a faith-based tradition that mirrored my own beliefs and could provide a spiritual and faith-fill community of my own.”

Why did they head for the exits? Some left because they no longer believe in God, others due to a scandal within the church.

One person just said, “The environment was not conducive to my life quests.” Another concluded, “Most elements of organized religion are unnecessarily complex and superfluous.” Yet another realized that any desired “sense of community and spiritual connection has been filled in other ways.”

Far and away, however, the majority of my survey respondents left because they no longer believe in a church’s doctrines. 

Which ones? Mainly restrictions on women’s control over their own bodies, decisions not to baptize the children of same sex spouses, and refusals to fully accept LGBTQ+ people. 

One person who left is gay and was “not willing to take off the table the opportunity for a long term committed relationship.”  

Another (who is not gay) disliked the perceived contradictions of “a God who loves everyone and is all merciful but doesn’t want people to marry and love who they want.”

The decision to leave a church begs the question of what codes or principles guide someone after they depart. 

For most of the survey respondents, the answer is a mix of things—law, political ideology, philosophy (humanism), norms handed down from parents, and even some lingering religious concepts. 

One unique response simply said, “Nature is my religion. Earth is my church.” Another identified “an innate sense of right and wrong derived from a number of sources.”

The survey results confirm that although you can take the person out of the religion, you often cannot take the religion out of the person. 

Some respondents still attend church services from time to time. One former Catholic, fond of the practice of venerating exemplary and holy people, told me, “I’ve kept the saints.” 

And admitting they did not want to “throw the baby out with the bath water,” several persons noted the still-cherished principles they learned from religion—honesty, generosity, and kindness. 

Several also recited variations of the Golden Rule (“Love your neighbor as yourself”). For example:

“I want to be kind and good because I am better, and society is better off, when we are kind and good.”

“Horizontal morality requires you to look at other people as being on the same journey as you, and to recognize the good and bad in your actions based on the impact they have on other people around you.”

“To do no harm is good.”

“Seeing the way my [religious] mother is continuously patient, kind, considerate, and generous towards others shaped me.”

Without a church infrastructure or Sunday school program, how do my survey respondents share their post-religion code with others (e.g., children, friends, etc.)?

Some said they don’t, and that each person must find their own path. Most, however, share their principles by discussions, books, education within the home, and by trying to set a good example. 

For example, consider this answer: “We teach our children that kindness towards others should always be their deepest and highest priority because it is right, not because a deity wants them to believe that way.”

In the survey I also asked what, if anything, has replaced Sunday church services or Sabbath rituals. 

One response captured the general theme: “I try to embrace a sense of peace and purpose daily.” Yet, there was a variety of more specific answers.

Some responders still occasionally attend Sunday services. Others spend time with family/friends, recreate, enjoy the outdoors, eat brunch, read, meditate, or engage in quiet contemplation. One has his own contemplative practice “that involves teaching dance, movement, and awareness.”

Some said there was nothing to replace. “When I stopped going to church, I never felt as if there was some void I needed to fill. Instead, I felt like my whole life opened up. I felt liberated.”

Most (but not all) of the respondents still consider themselves to be spiritual, even though not religious. In fact, one person said, “Spirituality is a component of being human.”

I asked the survey participants to describe this spirituality.

They pointed to their philosophical dispositions, meditation practices, communing with nature, and reading or study. One said, “I am an independent seeker of the path to self-discovery and meaningful living with emotional and spiritual wellness.”

Other respondents seem to sense the presence of a God, but a more amorphous and less defined one, and not necessarily one connected to a specific church. 

Thus, one person said, “I stopped giving my spiritual/moral power away to other people.” Another: “I got to a point where I didn’t understand why in order to have a relationship with God I have to be of a certain religion and go to mass every Sunday.” 

What do my survey respondents miss least about church? Hands down, it is their belief that organized religion has too many strictures, is too judgmental, and creates too much guilt.

Some respondents emphasized that they do not miss what they so often found in religion—misogyny and homophobia. Most also said nothing could bring them back to church or that they could not think of anything that would bring them back. 

Nonetheless, almost universally, the respondents miss one main thing—the sense of community a church can create.  

One respondent bemoaned the dearth of “third places” beyond work and home when one is not involved with a church. Another longed for “the really specific sense of sitting in a place of worship with other people and the feeling that comes with doing it together.”

Given what the respondents said they missed most about church, I was not surprised by how they answered my question asking what is the greatest contribution that organized religion has made to society.

Some pointed to charitable works or to “art, music, and the elevation of what it means to be human.”

Most respondents, however, said churches are really good at creating community and then spurring community action for those in need, i.e. “building an understanding and framework of how to be a better person, how to take care of others and live a more compassionate life.”

“People hunger for societal contact and for answers to life’s most difficult (and unknowable) questions. Religion provides answers and a sense of purpose to people who truly believe.”

Sadly, it is the injuries (sectarian conflict, abuse, division, hostility towards science, atrocities, racism, anti-Semitism) inflicted upon community that my survey respondents say are the worst things religion has done.

“Because of the nature of humans evolving as pack animals, it is easy for the alpha of the pack or tribe to lead the pack on a destructive path. Too many people let the leader do their thinking for them.”

The persons who responded to my survey are carving out a thoughtful and meaningful life without religion. Their perspectives and my views are different, but I think we share a common purpose. One respondent described that mutual goal quite well, “Live your life with love, and you will love the life you live.”

*Mike O’Brien (author website here) is a writer and attorney living in Salt Lake City, Utah. Paraclete Press published his book Monastery Mornings, about growing up with the monks at the old Trappist monastery in Huntsville, Utah, in August 2021. The League of Utah Writers chose it as the best non-fiction book of 2022.

(Image: Temple Church Temple Midlothian in Scotland by Antony McCallum File:Templechurch-wyrdlight.jpg – Wikimedia Commons)