By Michael Patrick O’Brien-
It was a funny—but fair—question. I asked myself, “Do I?”
Some skills are more germane to certain stages of life than they are to other ages.
For example, I ran and jumped more as a kid than I do at age 61. The calculus I mastered (sort of) in college at the University of Notre Dame is of little use to me now. And the sheer physical endurance I needed as a young parent is not as critical in my new role as wise old grandfather.
But making new friends? That’s a valuable talent to maintain no matter how old you are. Thus, as our kids grew into young adults, I repeatedly told them to hone and refine that skill—keep the friend-making tool sharp, if you will.
It was strange, however, to hear my son toss my own advice back at me. So, I made use of another valuable skill—research—to figure out whether and how I could practice what I preached.
My research paid off. A September 2019 article from Psychology Today magazine describes various methods and techniques each of us can use in order to make new friends as adults. Here are five of them.
1. Take the initiative. Psychology Today says,“People assume that friendships should happen ‘organically’ and fall into their life like years past, but this is not true when we are adults.” Or, as A.A. Milne explained in Winnie-the-Pooh, “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
2. Be affirming. The magazine article I found reminded me: “Think about it, who would you rather be friends with: someone charismatic or someone who makes you feel comfortable and accepted?” My mother used to say, “You attract a lot more flies with honey than vinegar.” As a kid, I always wondered why I’d want to attract flies, but the grown up me now understands the deeper meaning of her comment.
3. Be secure. Psychology Today also says, “It’s awfully exposing to try to connect with another person. We risk being rejected. Secure people assume that others like them, and this helps them gain the courage to initiate interactions and persevere in building friendships.” This, of course, is easier said than done.
4. Be persistent and patient. The magazine article explains, “Embracing the idea that friendship takes time and is a process can help us calibrate our expectations and not put undue pressure on the buds of an early friendship.” The Dalai Lama once made the same point this way, “Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend—or a meaningful day.”
5. Reach out. The Psychology Today article concludes, “Taking radical responsibility in your friendship-making also means that you take it upon yourself to reach out.” And why not? As Maya Angelou wrote in Letter to My Daughter, “A friend may be waiting behind a stranger’s face.”
There is wisdom on this issue from the Bible too. Matthew’s Gospel teaches us, “Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” The Book of Sirach says, “A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter. He who finds one finds a treasure.”
And so, as I launch the seventh decade of my life, I am out knocking on doors, still looking for treasure. My son is expecting a status report soon.
*Mike O’Brien (author website here: https://michaelpobrien.com/) is a writer and attorney living in Salt Lake City, Utah. His book Monastery Mornings (https://www.amazon.com/Monastery-Mornings-Unusual-Boyhood-Saints/dp/1640606491), about growing up with the monks at the old Trappist monastery in Huntsville, Utah, was published by Paraclete Press in August 2021 and chosen by the League of Utah Writers as the best non-fiction book of 2022.
